Aug. 5, 2022, 10:08 a.m.(2/22/1018 AR)
I have talked for so long about the need for balance, and understood it, meant it with all my heart. And even so, it has taken me years now to understand and to face balance within my own self, and to begin believing that I am to some degree deserving of it, difficult though it may be.
Aug. 5, 2022, 9:50 a.m.(2/22/1018 AR)
I have chosen to paint again. Yet as I look upon my previous work with eyes that have not seen them for the last three years, I am moved by the temptation to destroy many of them and create something better. Some truths lose their subtleties when exposed under garish light, and I find there is a lack of purpose in some of these pieces that do not sit well with me.
To destroy the work of the man I was then, or to preserve it and expose the change from the man I am now? These paintings shall not be seen until I have answered that question.
Aug. 5, 2022, 9:33 a.m.(2/22/1018 AR)
Relationship Note on
A chance encounter with the Dominus of the Faith led to my being inspired by his example, mainly to consider my relationship to the Gods of the Pantheon, and in so doing, better understand them and myself.
It is an exercise that will take time, for while answers easily leap to mind for some of the Gods, they often change as I consider them for longer, until they're revealed to be but just a small aspect of the whole answer.
I can understand the ascetic seeking distance from the distractions of the mundane world to focus entirely upon finding these answers. Yet I believe that in doing so, in cutting off the rest of the world in all its complexity, one loses much of the complexity associated to the Gods and the many ways they've shaped our world and the people that fill it.
Then again, I am no Godsworn, nor a devotee who could claim having spent years studying theology. Merely a man musing over entities by far his greater, wondering at their mysteries.
Aug. 5, 2022, 5:23 a.m.(2/22/1018 AR)
I have learned that a great number of people from across the Compact - from the commonborn to royalty - were concerned about my safety in the wake of my capture at Redreef Shores. At the time of this writing, I am aboard the caravel of Prince Tyrus Thrax, with the intention of having this journal submitted to the whites upon my arrival in Arx.
I am safe. I am grateful to be returning to my children. There is more to say, but those words will come later.
Aug. 4, 2022, 11:22 p.m.(2/21/1018 AR)
One of these days I will go to a ball and I will dance. It will be a positive change for me.
Aug. 4, 2022, 10:03 p.m.(2/21/1018 AR)
Stay up for too many nights in a row, and you start writing delirious bits of whimsy to leave for your more sober, late-afternoon self. How thoughtful.
Meeting a new cat
Makes my shadow less real
Until they talk back
Aug. 4, 2022, 3:35 p.m.(2/21/1018 AR)
I feel a certain comfort in knowing that everyone is always lying to me about -something-. No exceptions.
Aug. 4, 2022, 11:38 a.m.(2/20/1018 AR)
I have compiled most of the white journal poems I have published here over the last four years into a pair of books. If you are for some reason interested in having a copy of this, please let me know, and I will send them.
While the previously-unpublished works of the same time period do exist as well, it would be safe to say there are a number of good reasons why they never saw the light of day.
Aug. 4, 2022, 11:18 a.m.(2/20/1018 AR)
My mind needed a break from all the turmoil and the puzzling over the riddles that have presented themselves lately. I spent a few days enjoying the gardens and library at the Golden Hart then retreated to my music room to compose an instrumental piece and a dance to accompany it. If I manage to polish it up in time, will display it at the Bard's College winter concert.
Aug. 3, 2022, 10:19 p.m.(2/19/1018 AR)
We had a wonderful turn out for the Winter Gauntlet this year. Master Caspian took first prize, Lord Edris took second and Mistress Raven took third. Dame Felicia, Lord Kritr and Marquessa Dominique all had good showings as well. Everyone that participated ran well though. I can't wait until the Spring so that we can run the next.
Aug. 3, 2022, 6:43 p.m.(2/19/1018 AR)
It finally landed what the nonsense about Dagon wanting the Thrax sword reminded me of.
It's the spoiled pissant child who wagers a favorite toy that he can beat another child, and not only loses, but gets crushed and has to hand over the toy. Most childer would learn from that and not repeat the blunder.
But spoiled little shits like Dagon go crying back to their fathers, who come marching over to demand that the toy be given back.
I don't fault Anders fucking Nightcove for making the speech, he's invested too much in Dagon by now, and in my metaphor, Dagon is the worthless son he's stuck with and needs to make the best of, so he must embarrass himself in public so his spoiled little shit of a son doesn't pout.
Aug. 3, 2022, 12:14 p.m.(2/19/1018 AR)
I'm told I need to rest, that my body has stopped keeping up my mind. And yet, there's so much to do; I have promises to keep and duties that only I can fulfill. How could I neglect my service to the gods?
It is stubbornnes and an abhorance of mental stagnation that grips me. The answer to my question can only be found in Reflection, and so I am forced to rest anyway. At least I still have some projects to stave off the worst.
Aug. 3, 2022, 10:03 a.m.(2/18/1018 AR)
With so much going on there's not really been a proper time to write, to express, let alone convey news. My stomach showing now, signs of life, a strong mover as well. I fear what will come, but I know that this one will make it..
Aug. 2, 2022, 9:03 p.m.(2/17/1018 AR)
A sailor always watches the stars when they sail, for they can be their friend more so than even the sun. Yet I've come to look upon the shooting stars in a different light than I once did. What was once a short-lived distraction, a moment of awe and beauty soon gone, has become something more profound. The final flight of the forlorn.
It ends now as it always does, light fading into darkness. I always watch for a bit longer, part of me hoping that my eyes deceived me, that perhaps there's still some glimmer of light somewhere, further away. There never is.
Beautiful, as only tragedy can be.
Aug. 2, 2022, 7:55 p.m.(2/17/1018 AR)
One down, one to go....
Aug. 2, 2022, 3:38 p.m.(2/17/1018 AR)
It's been ages since I've had reason to bake a cake. I think this Embassy-thingy will be a good excuse! And it will go much better than last time, I know it.
Aug. 2, 2022, 2:39 a.m.(2/16/1018 AR)
My brother would likely chide me for not doing my duty in writing of my return to the city sooner, were he still around. It has been a whirlwind of activity since I arrived, with no signs of slowing. It is a blessing to be here with my husband and my sister again, though as usual, duty takes precedence. There is much to do.
Aug. 1, 2022, 11:11 p.m.(2/15/1018 AR)
As I look upon the paintings that were left behind when I departed, the purpose behind their existence returns to me. Funny, how you can be gone for years, only for it all to come back to you, like a tidal wave upon unsuspecting shore.
Aug. 1, 2022, 10:13 p.m.(2/15/1018 AR)
Relationship Note on
I am glad to see him returned to the City. Though we will need to get him caught up on all the happenings.
Aug. 1, 2022, 7:22 p.m.(2/15/1018 AR)
There was a cow at our parents farm that would get it into her head to chase me if I was in the field too long. Maybe she didn't like the noise I made while trying to fix one of the plows or the like. I was terrified of her after awhile, being as young as I was then. Today, though, she seems less scary. At least she didn't have fangs. Or a sword.